All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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