I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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