am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
