Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
