we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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