I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
