who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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