she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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