Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
