How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
