Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
