hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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