I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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