what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
