i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
