How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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