Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
