Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Two words: blizzard sex
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
