if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
