My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
