my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Randomize