Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I forget how to act sober
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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