like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
