dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
