I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
