the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
