Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
