what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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