I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
did i just pee glitter
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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