Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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