i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
