Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
