youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Randomize
