I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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