I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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