you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
