Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
