If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize