Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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