whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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