I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
