there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
And then he peed in my hair
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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