my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
