I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
