I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Randomize
