My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
