If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize