I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
40s are totally the cure
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize