i don't really know how much tequila is too much
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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