how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
