Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
