dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
