between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
