I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Of course I have a pirate flag
What happened to fro yo and sex?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
