eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
