I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
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